Client: “I just can’t believe that she doesn’t trust what I say anymore. I am serious this time when I wasn’t before, but she doesn’t believe me”.

Me: “Since you were discovered by your wife, have you done anything differently or have you made any changes to earn her trust back over time? Therapy is one action, but is that the only action?”

Client: “Other than therapy, I haven’t made any changes”.

Me: “Well if I was your wife, then I wouldn’t trust what you have to say or believe that you are taking this issue seriously either.”

Actions Earn Trust

When it comes to sex/porn addiction, most addicts know that they have lied and deceived their wives. Addicts have reassured countless times that they have stopped, but then they relapse. They have promised things are different but then relapse after a couple of days/weeks. They have withheld relapses or worse hidden their affairs with lies. Wives have nothing else to go by other than empty promises and words. This is why your talk is cheap and doesn’t have any merit since you lied and deceived. I get that it is hard to be doubted when you are trying, but you put yourself in this situation. The most important thing now is for your words to be followed through by trustworthy action. If you don’t have actions that display that you are taking this seriously, then your wife has no reason to believe that you are. Below are some acts that can cultivate trust.

1) Preventive software: having this software downloaded to your phone and computer is an act that can cultivate trust as it will block sites. Some can have false positives so be aware of that.

2) Check-ins: perform daily, three times a week, or weekly check-ins with your wife about the issue. This way your wife has an established time to discuss the issue and doesn’t have to initiate this discussion all the time. The FANOS check-in is a really good one I recommend.

3) Sharing your acting out history: sharing all of your acting out behavior is hard, but your wife has a right to know about all the unfaithfulness you committed since you vowed fidelity in marriage. If she doesn’t know unfaithful behavior like financial transactions for acting out, who you acted out with, your acting out behavior, ect. then she can’t forgive you nor trust you. Trust still has to be earned as forgiveness is not trust. She can’t forgive you the specific ways you sinned against her if she doesn’t know about them. Forgiveness is the first step of being open to reconciling the relationship and you can’t get there if you hide. Forgiveness can take time since betrayal is so painful. This process is called disclosure and you should seek professional help before performing one.

4) Work on your relationship: this is really important as your relationship is hurting. Seek a good couple's counselor or talk to your pastor for counseling. Make sure they are VERY familiar with this issue. Entering into your wife’s hurt, listening, and having compassion is so important. The trainings that I have attended recommend doing this as early as possible even before a disclosure.

5) Accountability partner: find an accountability partner who you can check in regularly with and who will push you to tell your wife if you relapse. Find someone ahead of you on this journey.

6) Attend a group: whether it is SA (sexaholics anonymous), a church group, or a counseling group (I offer one for addicts), a great group can provide so much help. It can help you earn trust, help you find support from others who understand the struggle, and help you find a mentor who is further ahead of you.

These are just a couple of ways to cultivate trust. Just because you commit to some doesn’t mean you will do them for forever (you must do 3 and 4 though to have any chance). I am not going to lie to you, it is going to be really hard. You don’t have to do it all on your own. Jesus longs to walk with you in this struggle. As you walk with him and faithfully step out in actions, Jesus can change you and your marriage. It can become something more beautiful than you ever could imagine as you become the man he wants you to be. Even on those hard days, Jesus is with you, loves you, and will walk with you. Don’t lose sight of how much He prizes you and loves changing you even if your wife can’t see it due to her pain. For more of a perspective on this issue, check out Ed Welches' article here.

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Schedule a call with Clifton to begin your first step in your journey.